picked up the pen again

as i was recently catching up on my blog reading i encountered something that i not only related to but strange enough, made me inspired to pick up a pen and ink again. i'll first share with you a little excerpt, and then explain:

"...I started a new job in November. Not my ideal job in any way but it was offering a large jump in salary and workload, so I was obviously attracted by this. It is even more in the opposite direction of my dream job - a creative fulfilling job, something that excites me, makes me not dread Monday. My new job is so much more demanding and 'serious' than my previous position that it looks like I will have less time to spend on my artwork and creative life. I feel like during 9 to 5 I am........acting. I'm not me.

But then I am filled with self doubt when I sit down at my desk at night and pick up my paints & pen.......what am I doing this for? Am I kidding myself on? I'm not a proper artist....

I don't know why I pick up my pen and paints, but I know I can't stop as it makes me feel like me"

this was a post from natalie at nebo peklo made a few days back. as i was reading about her "dilemma" i realized that it was me, and it has been me for a few years now. you see, when your an artist of any kind, your a lucky one if you can base your whole income on doing what you feel you were meant to do. most of us have to keep a steady income or get health benefits so we are left to find a full or par time job, leaving "the real us" to only make art for those random parts that we aren't working or dealing with everyday matters....what does that leave us then? well for me it has lead me to live two completely different lives..one life is being a book cover designer and the other is being an indie artist...most of the time it's fun and refreshing to be able to wake up in the morning and do one job and then come home at night and start another, but i do see natalies frustrations of personal identity.
since school, i to have been feeling like i've lost apart of myself along the way, i got into the publishing world shortly after a degree and trust me it was something i never thought i would do for a full time living. granted i do feel blessed that i'm actually working as a designer and designing book covers, cause i could still be doing retail....but as i sit at a desk all day on a computer, i do daydream about someday owning a paperie or handmade book bindery or hold gallery openings featuring my personal work....so natalie, you really aren't the only one and to answer those few last questions in that excerpt:
~ we put self doubt in our heads because we are afraid of doing something that could have consequences, or something that has to do with a change. so instead of questioning yourself as to who you are because you have hit an unexpected lump in your road to "your dream job", try and find some way, shape, or form for it to maybe help you to making your dreams come true....
~you ARE a proper artist, natalie...do you know why? because you hold this blog, and because you carry work at shops, and other collectives, because you continue to fight with yourself to sit down every night to create after a long day...if you weren't a proper artist, then would you be doing all this? (*smile*).
our times as creative people come and go, we have dry spells along the way, and other times we randomly blossom and become center stage.... being in "reality" is just one of those things that we have to do to sustain our creative outlets, unfortunately being human forces us to have to deal with money to run our lives for us, so we just have to work alittle bit harder at times and make a few sacrifices down the line...just keep telling yourself that you will eventually do what you love to do because you have confidence in yourself that you are a great artist!
so as i end all this banter, i just wanted to thank you natalie for making me feel like i wasn't the only one too...you helped me get back to my artistic roots last night and boy did i feel like i was worth it. (as i was finishing up, i also noticed that you and i also have similar line work!) this weekend, i bust out the watercolors and make a few more books!